Realizing You Never Truly Knew Someone: Learning from My Unfinished Novel

When I was a kid, developing a crush signaled the start of a race. The destination being my crush’s affections, which meant getting to know them as fast as humanly possible…

I asked a million annoying questions, analyzed their behavior obsessively, and constantly speculated about their thoughts and feelings.

Turns out, you can’t really get to know someone that way. The tool I was taking for granted, or in some cases purposefully ignoring, was time. Whether I like it or not, truly knowing someone takes time.

This is a lesson I’m learning with my husband…

Most of us have heard established married couples say things like, “We’ve been together 20 years, and he still surprises me with things I didn’t know about him.” I always thought that was ridiculous.

Then I got married.

I thought I knew who he was before, but living with him the past couple years has made me recognize some of my blind spots. Even now, I assume I’m still partially blind.

I realized this month that I’d made the same mistaken assumption with my novel!

For me, the ideas phase is as all-consuming as a youthful crush. I’m so excited by my idea of what it could be, that I forget to slow down and explore it like I should.

I became obsessed with Thane Gundar, a selfish, spoiled, rich kid having to face the atrocities of a system his family is actively supporting.

Of course, I started writing. I had more motivation for this novel than any story I’d ever written before. I even made it about a third of the way in with little to no problems.

However, as I do, I began to hit a wall mid-relationship. When the excitement fades and the rose-tinted glasses come off, I become disoriented.

When it comes to my story, my disorientation translated to a lack of motivation, even a sense dread around writing my novel. I didn’t feel confident about it anymore, so I was barely writing two or three scenes a month.

The root cause of the problem only became clear to me when listening to Savannah Gilbo’s Podcast, Fiction Writing Made Easy, specifically Episode 229: “5 Signs Your Writing Process is Broken (And How to Fix It).”

When I identified with three out of the five signs, I knew I had to pay attention to her diagnosis, and no surprise to you, but it was, “You're trying to draft a novel without a solid foundation for your story.”

I realized that I had once again neglected the tool of time! I had failed to explore the depths of Thane’s experiences and motivations! I was so impatient to put my MC through the thrilling story I’d discovered, that I actually ended up not knowing how he was going to react to anything.

Because I’m human, I’m sure I’ll make a similar mistake again, but here’s the important thing:

I can learn not start writing too fast, the same way I’ve learned not to move to fast in my relationships. Then, hopefully that newfound patience will teach me to slow down in other areas! Even if it’s baby steps, we make progress with each day that we’re putting in the effort.

So, don’t be discouraged next time you have to take a step back or slow down. You’re learning, and you’ll do it differently next time.

Thanks for reading! <3

What’s something you need to stop rushing through? Let me know in the comments!